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Joke of the Day
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Joke of the Day
by Colleen Fri Jan 18, 2008 9:06 am
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your penis was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9,000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new penis that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch."
The man perks up at this.
"So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want.
But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine
incher, she might be a bit uncomfortable. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.
"So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you in making the decision?"
"She has," says the man.
"And what is it?" asks the doctor.
"We're remodeling the kitchen."
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your penis was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9,000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new penis that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch."
The man perks up at this.
"So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want.
But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine
incher, she might be a bit uncomfortable. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.
"So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you in making the decision?"
"She has," says the man.
"And what is it?" asks the doctor.
"We're remodeling the kitchen."
Colleen- Admin
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Re: Joke of the Day
by DeeDee Fri Jan 18, 2008 10:57 am
That's so cute col! My Hubby will like that one!! It's awesome to have these medical jokes to tell all of my nurse and Doc friends!! Thanks Hun, for making us all smile!
DeeDee- Resident Medical Staff
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hsb35- KeaterBug's Mommie
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Number of posts : 666
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Registration date : 2007-11-12
Re: Joke of the Day
by Gloria Sat Jan 19, 2008 12:30 am
That was so cute, love those crazy jokes.
Hey eveyone, have a terrific weekend!!
Hey eveyone, have a terrific weekend!!
Gloria- Moderator
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Number of posts : 1175
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Re: Joke of the Day
by hsb35 Mon Jan 21, 2008 2:52 pm
Someone stole things from me
A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, the radio, and even the accelerator," he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."
A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, the radio, and even the accelerator," he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."
hsb35- KeaterBug's Mommie
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Number of posts : 666
Age : 51
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Re: Joke of the Day
by DeeDee Mon Jan 21, 2008 3:58 pm
That's so cute! I love hearing these jokes from you guys!
DeeDee- Resident Medical Staff
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Number of posts : 949
Age : 67
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Re: Joke of the Day
by Colleen Tue Jan 22, 2008 7:07 am
Good one Hiedi.....
I get so many at work each day i just save the good ones for you guys alot of them have photo which we all know its differecult to put them up here so i dont post those..
I get so many at work each day i just save the good ones for you guys alot of them have photo which we all know its differecult to put them up here so i dont post those..
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Re: Joke of the Day
by Colleen Tue Jan 22, 2008 7:13 am
Gynecologist's Assistant Opening
A young man goes into the Job Center in Kansas City, Kansas and sees a card
advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested he goes to learn more
- 'Can you give me some more details about this?' he asks the guy behind the
desk.
The Job Center man sorts through his files & replies - 'Oh yes here it is :
The job entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynecologist.
You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully
wash their genital regions. You then apply shaving foam and gently shave off
all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the
gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're
going to have to go to Wichita, Kansas. That's about 120 miles from
here.'
'Oh why, is that where the job's at?'
'No sir - that's where the end of the line is...!!'
A young man goes into the Job Center in Kansas City, Kansas and sees a card
advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested he goes to learn more
- 'Can you give me some more details about this?' he asks the guy behind the
desk.
The Job Center man sorts through his files & replies - 'Oh yes here it is :
The job entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynecologist.
You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully
wash their genital regions. You then apply shaving foam and gently shave off
all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the
gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're
going to have to go to Wichita, Kansas. That's about 120 miles from
here.'
'Oh why, is that where the job's at?'
'No sir - that's where the end of the line is...!!'
Colleen- Admin
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Registration date : 2007-11-04 -
Re: Joke of the Day
by hsb35 Tue Jan 22, 2008 11:49 am
LOL pretty funny. That would be quite the job for a horny guy.
hsb35- KeaterBug's Mommie
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Number of posts : 666
Age : 51
Registration date : 2007-11-12
Re: Joke of the Day
by DeeDee Tue Jan 22, 2008 1:41 pm
And that is probably what would happen too! You know Men!
DeeDee- Resident Medical Staff
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Number of posts : 949
Age : 67
Registration date : 2007-11-11
Re: Joke of the Day
by hsb35 Mon Jan 28, 2008 12:01 pm
Old is Old is Old is Old
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.."
The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me"
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water." "Coming up," says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."
"OLD" IS WHEN ... Your sweetie says, " Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"
"OLD " IS WHEN ... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN ... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN ... Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN ... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN ... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN ..."Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today
"OLD" IS WHEN ... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN ... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom.
AND...
"OLD" IS WHEN ... You are not sure these are jokes
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.."
The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me"
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water." "Coming up," says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."
"OLD" IS WHEN ... Your sweetie says, " Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"
"OLD " IS WHEN ... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN ... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN ... Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN ... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN ... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN ..."Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today
"OLD" IS WHEN ... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN ... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom.
AND...
"OLD" IS WHEN ... You are not sure these are jokes
hsb35- KeaterBug's Mommie
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Number of posts : 666
Age : 51
Registration date : 2007-11-12
Re: Joke of the Day
by DeeDee Mon Jan 28, 2008 1:09 pm
That's cute! and so true!! I'm alraedy getting there with the bladder dropping and all??
DeeDee- Resident Medical Staff
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Number of posts : 949
Age : 67
Registration date : 2007-11-11
Re: Joke of the Day
by hsb35 Tue Jan 29, 2008 7:06 pm
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline for advice. The Psychic tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?" "No," says his Advisor, "in her biology class."
hsb35- KeaterBug's Mommie
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Number of posts : 666
Age : 51
Registration date : 2007-11-12
Re: Joke of the Day
by Gloria Tue Jan 29, 2008 8:12 pm
Those are all great!!!! I was laughing out loud reading them to my husband.
Gloria- Moderator
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Number of posts : 1175
Registration date : 2007-11-04
Re: Joke of the Day
by DeeDee Tue Jan 29, 2008 8:30 pm
Keep em coming Ladies! Makes my day to laugh out loud!!
DeeDee- Resident Medical Staff
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Number of posts : 949
Age : 67
Registration date : 2007-11-11
Re: Joke of the Day
by Gloria Tue Jan 29, 2008 9:11 pm
GRANDMA'S BIRTH CONTROL PILLS
The doctor who has been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired.
At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you know these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep.
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes dear, I know that but every morning I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks, and believe you me; it helps me sleep at night."
You gotta love Grandmas!
The doctor who has been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired.
At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you know these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep.
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes dear, I know that but every morning I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks, and believe you me; it helps me sleep at night."
You gotta love Grandmas!
Gloria- Moderator
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Number of posts : 1175
Registration date : 2007-11-04
Re: Joke of the Day
by DeeDee Wed Jan 30, 2008 1:02 am
that's a good one! I'll have to remember that one for my grandkids!!
DeeDee- Resident Medical Staff
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Number of posts : 949
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Registration date : 2007-11-11
Re: Joke of the Day
by Colleen Wed Jan 30, 2008 7:22 am
wow good one wasnt expecting that ending
Cool Beans
Cool Beans
Colleen- Admin
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Number of posts : 973
Age : 65
Location : New York City
Registration date : 2007-11-04 -
hsb35- KeaterBug's Mommie
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Number of posts : 666
Age : 51
Registration date : 2007-11-12
Re: Joke of the Day
by hsb35 Wed Jan 30, 2008 11:56 am
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears.
hsb35- KeaterBug's Mommie
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Number of posts : 666
Age : 51
Registration date : 2007-11-12
DeeDee- Resident Medical Staff
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Number of posts : 949
Age : 67
Registration date : 2007-11-11
Re: Joke of the Day
by Colleen Wed Jan 30, 2008 1:44 pm
really good one for the guys here in construction they will love it
Colleen- Admin
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Number of posts : 973
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Re: Joke of the Day
by Colleen Wed Jan 30, 2008 1:46 pm
Once upon a time... a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"
The girl said:"NO
And the girl lived happily ever-after... and went shopping,
dancing, camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never
had to cook, did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't
get fat, traveled more, had many lovers, didn't save money, and had
all the hot water to herself. She went to the theater, never watched
sports, never wore friggin' lacy lingerie that went up her ass, had
high self esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in
sweat pants and was pleasant all the time. The End
The girl said:"NO
And the girl lived happily ever-after... and went shopping,
dancing, camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never
had to cook, did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't
get fat, traveled more, had many lovers, didn't save money, and had
all the hot water to herself. She went to the theater, never watched
sports, never wore friggin' lacy lingerie that went up her ass, had
high self esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in
sweat pants and was pleasant all the time. The End
Colleen- Admin
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Number of posts : 973
Age : 65
Location : New York City
Registration date : 2007-11-04 -
hsb35- KeaterBug's Mommie
-
Number of posts : 666
Age : 51
Registration date : 2007-11-12
Gloria- Moderator
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Number of posts : 1175
Registration date : 2007-11-04
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